Desires drive our energy.
Hope makes us live.
Thoughts swirl around our heads in the form of wishes, memories, happiness, fears, depression, stress and guilt. They usually overlap that sometimes we’re confused as to what our mind is thinking. It is capable of hoodwinking you before you can even find yourself. The brain is the swiftest working machine to exist, each and every thought passing with speed to tame lightning. Every mind is different, because the things we want and are afraid of varies from person to person, culminating in the fact that the thoughts pertaining to our anticipation and anxiousness grab our attention inevitably.
Fears lead to obsessive compulsive disorder. As a victim, I know exactly what it’s like. You get a scheme of horrifying, dangerous, depressive images sketched into your mind and they torture you, making you believe they are real, have happened or are going to happen, when it’s so not the truth. It gains cruel control of your thinking process, brainwashing you into believing that you want the bad things. Your heart feels heavy and the voice having the reins of your thoughts exist on either side of the rational part of your head. While the said part echoes nothing bad is going to happen and that the bitches on either side of the brain are monstrous phantasms, you’re in no position to believe them.
Because as you try, you’re only half-hearted, as the confidence of it refuses to settle in. And that trying signifies you’re resisting the unwanted images, which paradoxically increases their power. Being your deepest fears, it makes you easy prey.
In order to remedy myself, I’ve braved myself and have stopped resisting those stupid images. As you deliberately pay more attention to them, you allow them to say what they have to say, accept it being there and tell yourself, ‘Yes, I want that’, ‘Yes, it’s already happened’, ‘Yes, it’s going to happen’, until it grows tired of you and finally leaves you alone, giving you back yourself and your sanity. Nothing is permanent.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is nothing but a testament to anxiety problems. I like that I’m anxious, because it signifies that I care. Very much. Too much, in fact, and that is going against me, courtesy of this madness. But it’s okay.
Because this phase has granted me insight into certain things and allowed me to write out a phase a character in my book will go through in the future. I’ve always been so afraid of imagining it before, scared to wonder how in the world I was going to write that when my mind refused to go into it. But the images planted into my head and my approval to not resist the horror enabled me to forage into it and spill it onto paper. I only hope this is exactly what the Disorder is for and that it’s not going to happen in real life.
I also had an epiphany.
I found out how blessed myself and everyone around me is just to have what they have.
Why do we desire other things without realising that?
The one fear I am obsessing over traced out other things, making me anxious over what would happen if I didn’t have them. They were all scary.
How many times have we appreciated the fact we have a mother? How many times have we appreciated the fact we have a father? How many times have we appreciated the fact we have siblings? How many times have we appreciated the fact we have eyes and ears? How many times have we appreciated the fact we have arms and legs functioning properly? How many times have we appreciated the fact we have a lovely face and lovely skin? How many times have we appreciated the fact we are healthy, have the ability to be if not already? How many times have we appreciated any of them?
This is God’s blessing. This is what He bestowed us with. It is with these blessings we are able to go forward with anything else.
Our desire shouldn’t be wealth or sophistication.
Our desire should be to keep our blessings safe, be thankful for them. That’s the only thing we’re supposed to pray for. How should we do that? Pray God for his presence with us. And how do you do that? Love Him. That’s what he gave you a heart for.
Always pray to keep your blessings safe.
Always thank God for them.
Jai Shree Krishna
Lots of love,